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Gay's Wife: The Marriage Is a Nightmare For These Women

Homosexuals are vulnerable groups compared with heterosexuals, however, there‘s a more vulnerable group hurt by whom without enough attention: gay's wife. In China, there were about 30 million gays, and 80%-90% of whom chose to marry women, so the number of gays' wives was as high as 25 million (studied by sociologist, Dalin Liu, and the number is increasing). Most of them are being ignored, suffering both emotional and physical abuse, facing husbands' cheating. Some are even infected with HIV from their husbands. Many gays’ wives choose to endure these and keep silent because of children, family and reputation. In the survey, a 60-year-old wife was still a virgin. Is that shocking?

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The Background

   The phenomenon that gays choose to marry women has a deep relationship with Chinese traditional moral concepts and social environment. In Chinese traditional concepts, procreation seems to be the duties for men and women. Many parents don't know their son is gay, and they still want their son to get married and have children even after knowing the truth. China is a “family-oriented" country that family interests are placed above individuals‘ happiness. Besides, gays's marriage hasn't got legal recognition and gays haven’t received social respect in China. Under the great pressure from both family and society, they made the most selfish decision: marrying women to keep themselves from discrimination and outcast.

Their life

   90% victims indicated that they didn't know their husbands are gays before getting married. Many of them still couldn't find the truth even after several years since their children were born. They blame themselves for husbands‘ apathy that they are not beautiful or attractive, some of whom got depression. They never thought the abnormal behavior from their husbands was due to sexual orientation because they had no idea about homosexuals. Although some women have realized their husbands are gay, they couldn't set themselves free from the marriage because of different reasons. Even though, a few of them got divorce eventually, it's hard for whom to step out from the shadow of last marriage.

    Here are some voices from gay’s wives:
  • “It's embarrassing and hard to tell others my sexless and loveless marriage, and it's more ashamed to admit my husband is a gay."
  • “When my husband took his boyfriend home, I welcomed him warmly and treated him as the best friend of my husband. When my husband didn't go home the whole night, I couldn’t sleep at all."
  • “He told me he was bisexual and I though I could change him one day. Now I know it won't happen."
  • "Full of cold violence, also physical hurt. The life is helpless and despairing. Even my parents persuaded me don’t divorce."
  • “I haven't ended my marriage yet, which has lasted ten years. First, it was for my love for him, then it was for the growing child. Now I can't tolerate this any more and start divorce proceeding. But I'm no longer young bringing other problems. It’s hopeless to live in this world."

Why not divorce?

   There‘re several reasons that these women can’t get out from the marriage:
  • Concern about social judgment and the discrimination to the divorced women
  • They don't want to hurt the children or family
  • Economic issue(division of poverty)
  • They can't overcome the feeling of frustration and shame

    In China, a stable marriage is a significant criterion for being a successful woman and marriage has more important meaning to women than men. Behind the phenomenon that gays’ wives can‘t get divorced are the unfair treatment to divorced women from the public, the subordinate and dependent position of women, and the constraint of traditional marriage culture on women.


Need to Change

   To prevent more women from getting married with gays, it's not just about reducing the discrimination to gays and gays should gain self-identification avoiding marry women by themselves, but also raising the awareness of protecting women’s rights and repecting women‘s lives.

    There’s a slogan among the commutity of gays’ wives: let me to be the last one.



Join the conversation:

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