I am not fearful of death, rather I am fearful of the possibility of living in a body or mind that is not the full representation of who I am today. I am fearful that my family will hold onto the memory of me and let me suffer through pain and agony in order to preserve my life longer.
This realisation come to me when I watch my grandmother pass in a nursing home. My grandmother was once a lady with such wit and intelligence, and when she eventually passed, after years of battling dementia, she was just a shell of the person she once was. She would often say “I just want to die” and my family would laugh it off rather than speak to her about her wishes when it comes time to pass. I am fearful my family will do the same to me. I do not want to lay in a nursing home not being able to feed, bathe, or take care of myself for the satisfaction of others.
After my grandmother passed I made an effort to understand the wishes of my own parents and it was made clear to me that neither of them wanted to pass in the same situation that my grandmother did. Through understanding their wishes, I hope that when the time comes for them to pass, they are allowed to die with dignity rather than seeing them suffer through years of pain and suffering as my grandmother had to endure.